Snark: The 10 Steps to Wellness

10 StepsTo Welllness

Being healthy in the face of our busy western lifestyles can be challenging.  But never fear. There is a solution out there, waiting to be found…..


You can now buy yourself the health, body and lifestyle you want by following these 10 simple steps, as tried and tested by wellness experts from all over the world. So get your smug face ready, you’re gonna need it…..

Pick a Side and Join a Tribe

Before you start on your wellness journey, you need to decide whose side you are on.  Balance, moderation and common sense are out, my friend.  Unless you’re in a gang of like-minded individuals who have a strict set of ideals, it’s not true wellness.  So who you gonna pick?  The options are seemingly endless; You could hijack the vegans ethical message and shout about the evils of meat, dive head first into ‘ancestral style’and eat a (not-so-caveman-like) diet of grass-fed steak and ‘paleo brownies’(A great one if you hate vegans), OR pick a proven dietary medical therapy, like a ‘gluten free’diet and re-frame it as a revolution for everyone – especially tennis players.

Easy. Peasy.


Cut Stuff Out

When picking your tribe it’s important to decide what foodstuffs you feel are problematic, and cut them out.  The more the better. Slash and burn whole food groups if you like!

Not sure which food is a problem? No Problem.

Just think about anytime you ever felt ill or sluggish and assume it’s everything you ate that day. It’s all the government/pharmaceutical/food industries fault anyway, all those pesticides and vaccines and money making. So don’t just think about food groups when you do this exercise. Be sure to consider the ethical implications and source of your food too.  This combination is key in wellness, Sticking STRICTLY to these rules means you won’t have a lot to eat, so you’ll get thinner. And obviously that’s the point of all this…right?

Learn the Lingo

There’s a lot of nutrition and health related words out there and you will need to learn them in order that you demonstrate a true understanding of wellness to both your tribe and the ‘non believers’ you will encounter daily (and need to convert).  The actual meaning of these words isn’t really important, but throwing them casually into conversation to show superiority or disprove the nay-sayers logic is good practice.

Key Wellness Words/Phrases: Toxins/Toxic, Poison, Immune Boosting, Detox, Natural…..

(Top tip! If unsure, natural is good. Chemicals are bad. Always. No exceptions).

Follow the Beautiful

These days everyone knows that if you’re hot, you must be doing it right.  If you aren’t hot you need to go work on yourself until you are (and you certainly shouldn’t be on the internet talking about wellness).  There is no point in wasting your energy on useless pastimes like ‘getting a real education’or ‘a career’unless you have the hotness to back it up. So work on that first.  Luckily, once you are hot ( or better, famous), you don’t need to actually KNOW anything and people will listen to you anyway. So it’s a win-win situation. Plus, everyone knows that ugly people are just jealous and haven’t found kale.

Get Social

Any wellness journey needs documenting on social media (also see point 10).  But while it’s important to promote your choices with a healthy amount of ego, it’s equally important to remember that no wellness routine can be complete without a reasonable dose of self-hatred.  Feelings of inadequacy and failure are tools you must harness to be better at being well. Don’t hate yourself? Never fear! You’ll find streams of genetically blessed wellness gods and goddesses doing it better than you and posing in minimal clothing online.  Just type #fitspo or #wellness into Instagram and get comparing your body to those who have nailed life. Voila!  Let the doubt creep in…..

Jump on the ‘Bandwagon’

Found a new health food that doesn’t quite fit the strict guidelines of your current tribe?  No problem! You have a number of options here:

  1. Find ‘evidence’(in form of others opinions and blog posts online) that ‘prove’said health food is really an evil plot to bombard us with toxins.
  2. Change the rules a little bit.  It’s usually possible to find a loop hole which will allow you to enjoy this new food guilt free.  Discuss this with your tribe.
  3. No loop hole but you need it in your life? No problem. Just jump ship.  Wellness can be flexible like that. If you find a diet or lifestyle that’s cooler or looks better on you, just adopt those ideals and drop your previous ones like a hot potato.  If anyone questions your motives, just declare them ‘behind the science’and wear your new tribe badge with pride.

Shun the ‘establishment’

A cornerstone to wellness is being in ‘the know’.  Your tribe will be able to point you in the direction of many side-line hobbies which will help you prove both your loyalty and intelligence.  Vaccine hating, food vilification and shaming fat people are popular ones.  You can have more than one hobby, so feel free to indulge in them all.  The more frequently you put others down, easier it is to congratulate yourself on your own choices and find a little filler in that black empty hole in your soul.

Dealing with Nay-sayers

One of the problems with embarking on a virtuous journey of wellness, is the pesky people out there that try and challenge your ideals.  Many of them with ‘qualifications’ or careers stemming from years of study and experience in a regulated field.  These people are in the pocket of the government/big food/big pharma (delete as appropriate) and have an agenda, so they are in no way to be trusted. Just call them a shill and move on.

Wellness Travel

Perhaps you love the idea of wellness but you don’t have much time between working and partying and filling your face with your favorite foods. You need wellness but in bite sized portions that both ease the guilt and help you join in with the cool kids.

We’ve got that!

There are a variety of powders and pills you can order online to undo your excess.  Also, wellness travel means you can fit your entire wellness world into your vacation days!  Who knew?!  To participate, book a holiday at the ‘origin’ of your favorite food/healing regimen/wellness activity in a ‘wellness certified hotel room’ and enjoy getting all sorts of ‘healthy’ treatments like having coffee sprayed up your arse and eating tiny portions of food and juice provided by your gourmet raw chef.  Who says healthy isn’t fun?!

Share your story

Got it nailed? Share it! Anecdotes are the most reliable source of info after all!


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8 Responses

  1. Dixya @ Food, Pleasure, and Health
    May 28, 2015 at 4:01 am

    i love how you ended with anecdotes.

  2. Ellie D
    May 28, 2015 at 10:40 pm

    Helen, I bloody love you!! Refreshing and oh so true. “Those pesky vaccines, it’s all their fault…” Much love from GP Land where I currently reside.

    E xxx

  3. Andy Brooks
    May 29, 2015 at 8:32 pm

    Great article, I come across so many people on a daily basis that I could associate with this!!

  4. Emilie
    June 02, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    This is fantastic – so well written!

    And so true about so many people!

    Emilie xx

  5. Simona
    September 02, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    Thanks for this post – reading it was a blast (and it was visible to people around me as I kept giggling)! It indeed seems that balance, moderation and common sense are not the options that people choose these days. Good to have some bloggers who are not afraid to be outside of the ‘tribe’ and try to share some sense!

  6. Tina
    September 08, 2015 at 6:58 am

    Hi there! I enjoy reading this article so much! This is such a great info to me! Well written! Thanks for sharing!

  7. Katherine
    April 18, 2016 at 4:37 am

    lol. I can’t lie though, I would totally want to do wellness travel! A tropical location, healthy food, and maybe a yoga retreat? Sign me up!

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