Snark: 10 Steps To ‘Detox’


New Year, New You, right?  because obviously the old you isn’t good enough.  Any decent wellness guru knows, If you truly want to purge yourself of your previous sins, a simple focus on healthy eating, exercising and cutting back on the booze just won’t do it.  you need to DETOX, people.

So, here’s the 10 Steps of Detox, to get you started….

Do You Need To Detox?

The answer to this question is easy. It’s yes. Always yes.

Do you want to prevent disease and ill health? You need to detox.

Have you eaten *insert dietary sin of choice here*? You need to detox.

Do you live on this earth? With all the toxins and chemicals? Then you need to detox.

I know, I know, you have organs that get rid of toxins for you. You have Kidneys, a Liver, some Lungs and skin and blah, blah, blah, BUT they are very busy. With all the chemicals and toxins and stuff. So you need to give them a break, or, juice, or  some alkaline foods, or whatever…as long as its organic and cold pressed (and punishing – obviously) you’ll be healthier and happier.

Trust me, I’m a……Wellness Guru*   *(detox diet seller)


Choose Your (Anti) Poison

Now. Luckily, there isn’t just one way to clear your body of all those late nights, fast food and toxins.  There’s a million different ways to detox. You can take pills, drink tea, juice, stick weird sticky patches to your feet or candles in your ear.  The list is endless.

So you need to pick one (or more).

The best choice really depends on how much money you have to spend (the more the better, obviously) and how much misery will make you feel truly cleansed.


So you’ve chosen your detox method, now it’s time to get serious.

You can’t detox without cutting stuff out. Like food usually. The more the better. Because everyone knows that unless it’s green and juiced it’s basically poisonous.  And unless you’re miserable as all hell you can’t possibly be being healthy enough.

Consider An Add On

Ingesting ‘good things’ and restricting ‘bad things’ to detox is one approach, but if you like unnecessarily showing off your anus to perfect strangers, you may enjoy a colon cleanse.  Because there is nothing cleaner than getting rid of all the poo plaques and grime in your ass, right? (ignore all those gastroenterologists that put cameras up peoples bums daily and say plaques don’t exist & it’s possibly dangerous -what do they know, hey?!)

Remember: Some people prefer detoxing orally. Others like it anally. But if you’re a dedicated detoxer – you’ll do both.

Share It!

So you’ve just started and you are feeling very virtuous.  However, unfortunately, for most of your detox you’ll probably be on your own. It could be because there are too many distractions in the outside world (like food). Or perhaps your friends no longer want to hang out with you after you stopped eating and had that minor Hangry outburst when they offered you a glass of wine.

Either way, the best way to make sure everyone knows how virtuous you are is to stick it on social media.

TOP TIP!  Ensure to gloat about how AH -MAHZING you feel.

Embrace the Deprivation

So this is getting hard.  You are hungry.  You are tired. You have a headache.  Your breath stinks and you can’t stop farting.

Eat something? Don’t be ridiculous.

Be Strong.

Give In

It all gets too much.  Give in.  Defrost and eat whole bag of Iceland mini sausage rolls your nan brought over at xmas.

Feel The Guilt

UGH. WHY??? You don’t even like sausage rolls.  Resolve to ‘be better next time’ while sobbing over the flakey semi-frozen puff pastry you’re licking up off your kitchen floor.

Seek Advice

Discuss your recent failure with your lifestyle guru or tribe of detox evangelists.

Experienced detoxers like GreenJuicer69 and MuffinTopMelter87 will coach you through your possible errors.  Maybe you weren’t drinking enough water? Or you weren’t organised enough? perhaps you have an emotional attachment to food or sugar or something BAD….Your tribe will be able to offer advice. Or cut price therapy via Facebook comments.

Choose New Detox & Repeat

Now you have absolved your hatred of yourself and your weakness – it’s time to try again.

Back to the beginning and go again, you Detox queen, you!


This post is meant to be a bit of light hearted fun. If you enjoyed it, you may also like my 10 Steps To ‘Wellness’ 

If you want to learn more about more sustainable ‘Detox’ Check out Nic Nutritions Post on January Detox

or my post on How To Make 2016 Your Healthiest Year Yet


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3 Responses

  1. Heather Mason@NuttyNutrition
    January 10, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    haha, Helen, you are hilarious! Loved reading this, definitely going to check our your real tips for a healthy 2016!

    • helen
      January 10, 2016 at 7:27 pm

      Ahaha – Thank you Heather! Glad you enjoyed it :)

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